For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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