I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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