Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
did you just send me my own nude
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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