turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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