i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
