Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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