How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
