I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
