you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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