I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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