I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
