and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
