you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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