I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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