Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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