also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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