My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
