wakey wakey hands off snakey
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
