dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
