you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
