I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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