I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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