i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize