Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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