I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
