I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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