NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
