there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
