my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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