Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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