My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I met the friendliest cop last night
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
