I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
