On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
