According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
