I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
