insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
