ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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