This is not my ceiling
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
