I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
