there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
