I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
