uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
