Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She told me I should be a condom model.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
