I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
