Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
