Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
