Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
