I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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