Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
