i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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