just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize