she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
