Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
