If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he quoted the bible to break up with me
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
