So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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