A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
