I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
