Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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